“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”― John Newton
I’ve been procrastinating on writing this update. I really wanted it to be a completely ‘good news’ post. I had to remind myself of my purpose of blogging: honestly sharing the real highs and lows of my healing journey.
It’s been four months since my last update. So much has happened since then!
- Sleep: My sleep is much better now. I’ve accepted that my sleep might not ever go back to the way it used to be. Sleeping uninterrupted through the night may be a thing of the past. Now, I can generally fall asleep pretty quickly but I wake up a couple of times per night. However, I can now fall back asleep fairly easily so I am so thankful for this. I am still taking magnesium and Valerian supplements for sleep. On average, I sleep about 8 hours per night.
I was so happy when I finally realised that my sleep had stablised. I had spent months diligently keeping up my sleep hygiene and improvement was extremely slow that I often wondered if I was actually making any progress. - Mood: My anxiety has improved dramatically. I used to have daily anxiety. After taking a month off work and going to the psychologist, my mood started to improve very gradually. Eventually, it got to a point where most of my day was OK and only some of it was anxious. Then it got to a point where mostly I was good and only occasionally would get anxious.
I noticed that my shoulders weren’t constantly tight and tense.
I have also been taking thyroid supplements so wonder if this also helped.
I’ve been getting back into hobbies and found renewed interest in living. I used to be so anxious and tired that everything seemed pointless and I felt trapped by the constant fear that doing things/eating might make my condition worse. - AIP diet: I was fairly strict on the AIP diet and now still mainly eat AIP. When I tried to eat non-AIP foods for the first time, it took me a week or two to recover. My stomach was unsettled and I felt more anxious. Slowly, I have been eating non AIP foods on occasion and having minimal reactions.
I also used to struggle with the weariness of cooking 21 meals a week (I meal prep for breakfast, lunch and dinner). It was exhausting to go grocery shopping and cook every two or three days. Now I am used to it and I accept it as part of my life.
Another issue that I had was deeply missing the foods that I used to eat. I couldn’t wait to reintroduce foods. When I did reintroduce some things, the reactions made me feel worse which was quite off-putting so I haven’t really been pursuing reintroductions. I’ve also been feeling more content to just eat the same AIP meals on a daily basis and experiment with small additions on an occasion.
I have a much better idea of some foods that I definitely know that I react to but I’m still unsure on other food.
I am also more confident with eating out. I was previously so fearful of food reactions that it severely limited my social life. I didn’t want to go out with friends or family because if it crossed a meal time, I would have to bring my own food which was awkward. I started getting more comfortable with bringing my own food and trusting that my friends would understand and wouldn’t think less of me.
A recent milestone for me was hosting a lunch and catering with AIP foods. I made the mince patties, gf/df taro and cassava buns, a slow cooked chicken…it’s something that I definitely wouldn’t have had the confidence or skills to do months ago! - Weight and menstruation: I initially lost a couple of kilos which I was very worried about because it coincided with delayed periods. I was worried that if I lost too much weight, I might stop getting my periods. I just got weighed at my last doctor’s appointment this week and I am around 47.5kg so this is about 1kg more than a couple of months ago. At the beginning of the year, I was around 49kg.
- Skin reactions: I’ve been getting skin reactions on my neck and rashes on my wrist where my watch sits. I think the watch reaction is a metal allergy since my previous watch is metal and I know that my ears are sensitive to nickel earrings. The neck reaction was frustrating though because I couldn’t figure out what triggers it. I think it might be due to contact dermatitis, wearing scarves especially scratchy ones, seem to coincide with the reactions. I’m not 100% sure though.
I also noticed that I get some pimple like bumps on my face and irritation when I eat certain foods. - Energy: I generally feel more energetic now! I remember a few months ago, I would sit in the pews at church because I was too tired to stand. Going out for events would tire me out and it would take me a couple of weeks to regain that energy. If I ran for the train or the bus, my heart would pound so fast in my chest and I’d feel like I’d just run a race… once, I walked up a small hill and I felt like I was going to faint which was super scary. Now, walking across the bridge to work and back is still a bit too much exercise (I find that I get tired and moody) but I’ve definitely built up stamina in the last few months.
- Psychological: I’ve grown a lot in terms of my mental attitude. I used to be so fearful and obsessive over my health. I felt so stressed not knowing why my body was ‘broken’ and not knowing how to fix it. If I had a bad day or a reaction, I would feel so down about it. Slowly, I am learning to accept that there’s set backs but that doesn’t mean that I’m not healing or improving. Set backs are a part of life and I’m learning how to bounce back from them.
The big theme that I see in myself is the power of acceptance. In my own little ways, I think I went through a grieving process. I mourned the loss of the self image of a ‘healthy carefree girl’ that I used to have. God’s incredible kindness and the gift of time have helped me to progress to a place of acceptance. - Hair loss: My hair loss has still been happening. I’ve accepted it more now and it’s not a constant daily concern like it used to be. I was super self conscious about it and it was affecting my self esteem. I didn’t want to go out or have my photo taken because I felt so unattractive. I still miss my old thick hair that didn’t fall out constantly but I am OK with it. I have lots of new baby hairs and hope that they grow out to full length. If it never grows back, I need to accept it.
I am so thankful for these improvements. Thank you, God!
The confusing thing is that my last two blood tests have not shown improvement in my thryoid. My TSH has risen to 5 and my antibodies are now over 5000 (previously 3000). I feel so confused by this since I feel a lot better in other ways and I’ve improved my diet/lifestyle dramatically.
My ferritin jumped from 40 to 120 from taking iron supplements. In the two months of not taking them, they dropped back to 90. So it’s possible that I might have an issue with absorbing iron.
The next step might be to take thyroid medication which I haven’t up until this point.
I wonder if regression in my thryoid and thyroid antibodies is related to my thyroid supplements (contains iodine and selenium which has conflicting evidence on its effectiveness), the AIP diet, some undiagnosed issue that I have, or if it’s just normal fluctuation.
I feel the niggly anxiousness creeping back in. Since finding out about my blood test results from a couple of days ago, I feel down and less positive. I really like certainty and knowing that I am making progress. I was so hopeful that changing my diet and my lifestyle would result in an improvement in my thyroid condition. Now, I am questioning everything that I’ve done and wondering if there’s something that I’ve done wrong.
So this is my current state at 7 months! Great improvements overall but blood tests show regression in thyroid. I’m going back to the doc in a couple of weeks so maybe we will be able to investigate further.
Until next time. xx
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